Hey Sparklers!
It has been awhile since I wrote a
post, and I wanted to be a tad personal with you on this one. My
mother likes to often remind me that an important part of this
organization is the personable component. Sometimes I like to brush
that part off because (like most of us) being open about struggles
and adding that personal element makes us feel vulnerable. Today I am
stepping outside of my comfort zone to let you know that we all have good
moments and we have bad moments. Both are equally important to
share.
These past few months I have really
struggled with my body image. The ironic part is my body is probably
at the healthiest it has ever been. I exercise 3x a week, I have lost
a lot of weight, and I try to control my diet. Yet, most days when I
look in the mirror I am the most dissatisfied I have ever been. I
constantly worry about how I look; is my outfit too loose or too
tight? My rib cage sticks out too much. If I sit this way at this
angle does it make me look heavier? The back of my thighs bulge too
much, etc.
I have been worrying about all those
things, and not only is it beyond RIDICULOUS, but it has been playing
a toll on me and weighing me down emotionally. At the beginning of
summer I would often cry any time I got ready to go out because I
couldn’t make my appearance to my standard. Honestly, in those
moments I don’t think any miraculous change or fix would have made
me feel better about how I looked. The change had to come from
within.
I think to myself, how can I be so
critical and hard on myself for my appearance when I run an
organization that tells girls they are beautiful just the way they
are. In those moments I have to remember to take a step back and
remind myself that I am allowed to struggle, just like my sparklers.
I am on this journey of self-worth as well. Like all of us, I have
periods of time where I have so much confidence. That also means I
experience periods of time where I really struggle with my self-worth
and body image too.
About 3 weeks ago, I told myself enough
was enough! It is time that I start having a period of confidence and
that I end this depressive state of minimal self-worth. Don’t get
me wrong, I still spend a lot of time getting ready, but it is not
nearly as emotionally draining as it previously was just a few weeks
ago. The key point is that it came down to me making the conscious
effort to change my inner perspective. Let’s be real, no one was
caring or over-analyzing if sitting that way, in that angle, made me
look fat. I was doing it to myself.
Just last week I was visiting my best
friends in my college town and we had some fun with lighting
sparklers. We took a cool picture of me sitting on my friend’s
shoulders with the sparklers in my hands. After I looked at the
picture, the first thing I noticed was my thighs. It is no secret
that I have some girthy thighs (honestly I generally like them), but
initially that picture bothered me. I wanted to delete it and just
internally beat myself up. In that moment I had to remember my
conscious effort to not worry about those small things, and to just
enjoy the moment and memories that picture was capturing. So, that is
what I did. I am so glad I made the decision, because I could have
let it drag me down and bother me the rest of that evening. Just a
few weeks ago I would not have chosen to let it go. In the present
moment, I am glad I can remember the joy I had in creating that
memory rather than be reminded of my insecurities.
Those moments of
low self-worth are unfortunately inevitable, but we can prevent them
from dragging on or bringing us down. Each and everyone one of my
sparklers is beautiful, and you know what? I am beautiful too! I am
not an exception to my own thinking. Thank you so much for always
being there on this constant journey with me and for all the joy and
happiness each one of you brings me. I truly mean it, and I love you
all.
With Love,
Ciara
Ciara
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