Anxiety does not define my self-worth

Living with a high functioning anxiety disorder can be really hard. It influences every aspect of your life, including your self-worth. You can do all the self-care in the world, but it feels like it all goes out the door the moment your anxiety kicks in.

Let me give you some examples of this unwanted relationship. I buy clothes that make me feel good and confident. I try them on in the dressing room and love what I see in the mirror. I purchase them and go home. When I wear the outfit and look in the mirror again, my anxiety tells me something different. It tells me that I still don’t look good, and that the outfit I had loved 2 days ago is not good for my body type. My anxiety disorder makes me see things in the mirror that are not really there. The crazy thing is I can wear that outfit again, and I think I look totally bangin’. Why do I think I look bangin’ that time? Because my anxiety is under control and/or non-existent at the moment.

My anxiety disorder makes me feel like my successes are not good enough and that I have to earn my place in this world every single day. I work full-time, run a nonprofit organization, and am running a campaign with my husband. That is a lot for anyone to do and some days I am proud of myself for doing it. Other days, well most days, anxiety tells me that it is not good enough and that I need to work harder and do more. It tells me that I am not doing enough for current and future sparklers for SSS. It tells me that all my efforts for SSS don’t matter. It tells me that I am never going to be successful with my career. It tells me that I am never going to accomplish my goals.

Anxiety makes me feel like I do not do enough for people. People who know me personally will say that I do a lot for others. They will say that when a friend or family member is in need that I will be there for them no matter what. I agree with that, because I strive to live my life that way. The only problem is that my anxiety disorder tells me that it is never enough. It tells me that I need to do more, when in some situations there is literally nothing more I can do.

It is almost impossible to not have your self-worth sway at times when your anxiety causes you to think that your appearance, successes, and relationships are not good enough. I have to try and tell myself that what my anxiety is telling me is not who I am.

Like other diseases and illness, there are times when my anxiety is worse than others. Recently it has been worse, but I find comfort in knowing that it won’t stay like this forever. Eventually it will get better. Dealing with an anxiety disorder for so long has allowed me to get in tune with my body. I am not always perfect at reading what my body and emotions are telling me, but I am a lot better than I once was. The year following my diagnosis was hard because I didn’t realize I was having anxiety until I was already at the point of no return.  It would escalate to where I would have to go to the ER just to get my heart to slow down and to stop my body from shaking.

Now I recognize it before I reach that point, and don’t really have to worry about ER visits anymore. Sometimes that means I take a “sick” day from work or I have a weekend where I just focus on doing things for me and no one else. It means I be proactive and take the medications I am prescribed. It means I lean on my support system.

Anxiety affects 40 million adults in the US. It is the most common mental illness in the country, yet only 36.9% of those with anxiety get treatment (ADAA). If you suffer from anxiety, know that you are not alone. Know that your self-worth is not defined by what your anxiety tells you. Know that you still Shimmer, Sparkle, and Shine!