Guest Contributor: Erica Cragin
Imagine
you’re about to take a vacation; bags packed, itinerary planned and
relaxation in sight. You’ve boarded the plane and taken your seat. As
the plane taxis to the runway for takeoff the flight attendants go
through their in-flight safety routine. You know the one; pointing out
the exits, telling you your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device
and explaining what to do when the oxygen masks fall from the cabin
ceiling. They give you very specific instructions here: Place YOUR
oxygen mask on before assisting those around you with THEIRS. This
always seemed like a foreign idea to me. I have always been the person
to help those around me before I helped myself. I’ll give you the shirt
off my back even if it means I freeze. I will take on your worries and
woes and make them my own if it means I can help you. I will gladly make
your needs my focus.
It
took me many years, several codependent relationships and various toxic
trysts to realize I was depriving myself oxygen. I was making sure that
everyone around me was taken care of, whether they deserved my care and
attention or not. I let my own well being fall by the wayside. I had
over-drafted my emotions, I wasn’t taking full breaths and couldn’t keep
my head above water. Stress and anxiety had become my new normal and
try as I might I couldn’t break off of that baseline. I had surrounded
myself with people and things that didn’t serve my greater good. I tried
to make it my life’s mission to fix “broken” people, bad situations and
make up for others short comings even if in the process I ended up
broken. And the worst part of it all, I was completely to blame for it.
The
problem with being a fixer is you become addicted to that sense of
being needed. The ugly truth of it is that you get praised for all
you've done to help those around you. People are in awe of the
sacrifices you've made and this becomes your identity. It also becomes
your scapegoat. "I'm in debt because I gave my last to 20 him and didn't
pay my car note" "I cant leave now because what would they do with out
me?" "I'm not happy with my body but I work so much to support them that
I don't have time to care of myself." Suddenly you've gone from the
praised fixer to a 'woe is me' bag of excuses. But fixing helps keep you
from having to deal with you and your own demons; those things in your
own life that you're unhappy with that you'd rather stay blind to.
They
say an addict starts to recover when they’ve hit rock bottom and this
addiction to helping others and ignoring my own needs led me to smack
straight into that rock. It was here, through tears, chest heaving sobs
and cries for help that I realized that I was who I needed to help
first. And in order to do that I needed to admit my fault and take
responsibility for where I was in life. This meant breaking a lot of old
habits, leaving bad friendships and opening myself to opportunities I’d
been depriving myself of. Instead of being this martyr for every lost
soul I came in contact with I was being recognized for stepping out of
my comfort zone and taking huge leaps that would lead to beautiful
things in my life; and that is a much better high. Once I was honest
with myself and realized I was making myself unhappy I made the
conscience decision to make me a priority. It was a hard lesson to
learn, and one that I still struggle with. But I am alive, I am thriving
and I am responsible for my life.
To
put it all simply making the choice to put on your oxygen mask first
means that you are taking personal responsibility for your life, your
actions and your future. By accepting personal responsibility for your
life you are freed from outside influences, your self esteem
increases(trust me) and you have more confidence in your ability to make
decisions and achieve your goals.
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