Guest Contributor: Kimberly Schwenzfeger
There are always stories of
people who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up—because it was
something they gravitated towards when they were young and it just continued
into adulthood. I however, was not one of those people. I didn’t realize what I
was good at until I was almost halfway through my twenties. When I did find my
passion for making candy however, I was also starting out in a very toxic
relationship.
Initially,
it felt like I had finally found what everyone was looking for. I had that
stable person, who kept me on track when I was frustrated at a recipe failing
and told me to try again. He volunteered to help me with the dishes when I was
making confections in the tiny galley kitchen in my apartment in downtown
Denver and even got me into the first chocolate festival that I ever did. It
was like I had finally found my best friend and partner.
I
didn’t know then that people like him latched on to people that needed a
relationship to be happy, someone who would sacrifice their own happiness for
the happiness of others, someone who couldn’t see the value in
themselves—someone like me. At the time that we got together I truly believed
that my life did not have meaning without someone else in it. I didn’t have an
identity unless there was someone else there to shape it. These types of people
prey on the vulnerability of others—especially good-natured empaths like
myself. It wasn’t until after leaving that I realized that these people are
known as narcissists.
Initially it was what most people would
consider the ‘honeymoon phase’ of a relationship, but with these types of
people it is called ‘love bombing’. They pull you in as fast as they can, so
they don’t have to keep the façade up for too long and it feels like you hit
the lottery of dating. He spoiled me—took me on a fancy vacation for my
birthday, bought me flowers randomly and was always there for me when I was
sick. He also supported me building my own business. I felt like the luckiest
girl in the world.
But
I will never forget when I first saw that ugly side of him. When he took me on
vacation for my birthday everything was perfect until I asked for him to spend
a Sunday with my family for Easter. It was like a switch flipped. He got so mad
that he just left me in the restaurant that we were at—completely abandoned me
over something that seemed like a simple request. I wish I could say that was
my wake-up call and that when we returned from the trip I left him—but that’s
not how this story goes.
Instead
of seeing that huge red flag waving—I stayed with him. Six months into our
relationship we were looking at engagement rings and at around a year together
he asked me to marry him and even got permission from my father. But over that
time nothing got better, it just continued to get worse. Not just with fighting
between the two of us either. He would say that I looked like a lesbian with my
hair cut short and that it would be prettier if I grew it out, that my clothes
were too revealing, that I would be much prettier if I didn’t have my tattoos.
All of these things that he suddenly seemed to dislike about me had been there
from the first time he met me. And I changed myself for him.
It
wasn’t until around six years in that I had my wake-up call. I started to open
my eyes when I was pregnant with my daughter, but I didn’t leave till right
around the time that my daughter was six months old. In those six years I had
lost almost all my friends, had a strained relationship with my family, was
disconnected from my coworkers, and was in such a deep depression I didn’t
realize I was drowning in until I finally got out. And my identity as an
individual was nonexistent. Only a few days before my daughter turned six
months my parents helped me get a moving truck and with their help I moved out of
the townhouse we owned together while he was at work.
I
can’t say that things got easier after I left him. In fact, I would say that
things got worse because he no longer had any reason to be nice to me. Instead
of trying to conceal anything to keep me attached he let it all show—he went
for the throat. It opened my eyes to so much—especially to things I was lacking
in myself. I chopped off all the hair that I had grown out for him, I got rid
of more than half of my wardrobe, and I got back to work on my business.
Despite
feeling like I had been supported in my dreams through out our relationship, it
wasn’t until after I got away from my ex husband that I realized that he had
been the biggest thing holding me back. He didn’t want me working on building a
business, he wanted me to be at home taking care of a baby while he controlled
everything. When we divorced he even tried to claim that half of my business
was his, because he truly believed that I would never created anything without
him.
The
year after I left my ex husband I doubled what I had done the year before in
sales. The next year I tripled that. All of this was done while my daughter and
I lived with my parents, I was working an almost-fulltime job, and battling
with my ex at every turn—both in and out of court. I can’t tell you how many
nights ended with exhaustion and tears. Balancing being a mom and building a
business isn’t easy. Balancing being a mom, building a business, trying to get
back on your feet after hitting rock bottom, and working a day job was
overwhelming at times. Nonetheless, I feel like I wouldn’t be who I am today
without all of it.
No
matter what bump you hit in the road, people will sometimes ask, ‘What would
you go back and change?’. Personally, I think that this is a silly question. Do
I wish that I had never met my ex-husband? Of course. Do I wish that I hadn’t
made a lot of the mistakes I have made throughout my life? Of course. But the
person that I am today wouldn’t exist without those things.
Removing myself
from that toxic relationship helped me recreate myself inside and out. It was
as if I got the chance to restart my life and find the value in myself. I
regained my confidence, found my own voice and realized that I was capable of
so much on my own. I found a wonderful little place for myself and my daughter
and it is filled with all of my creative endeavors—from a quirky little bright
green camel clock to a dresser and coffee table that I redid. Everything that I had allowed
someone else to smother has come back out in full force.
Now
that I have learned to stand on my own two feet I’m working every day to love
myself. It’s something that I feel like I have been lacking for most of my
life—even before my ex husband was in the picture. I find it every day, in all
the love and dedication that I put into my confections and in every way that I
get to express who I am and what fills me with joy. Without someone else
pulling the strings, I have started to discover what loving myself really
means. When you find value yourself other people can see it. It shines through
in everything that you do, because you’re no longer worried about others
devaluing you. It may have taken a long time for me to realize it, but I am
grateful for gaining the ability to truly value who I am and what I am capable
of. Now, I know that I have the strength to take on any challenge that comes my
way and I do everything I can to show my daughter that she has the ability to
do the same.
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