Learning to Stand on My Own Two Feet


 Guest Contributor: Kimberly Schwenzfeger


 

There are always stories of people who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up—because it was something they gravitated towards when they were young and it just continued into adulthood. I however, was not one of those people. I didn’t realize what I was good at until I was almost halfway through my twenties. When I did find my passion for making candy however, I was also starting out in a very toxic relationship.

                Initially, it felt like I had finally found what everyone was looking for. I had that stable person, who kept me on track when I was frustrated at a recipe failing and told me to try again. He volunteered to help me with the dishes when I was making confections in the tiny galley kitchen in my apartment in downtown Denver and even got me into the first chocolate festival that I ever did. It was like I had finally found my best friend and partner. 


                I didn’t know then that people like him latched on to people that needed a relationship to be happy, someone who would sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of others, someone who couldn’t see the value in themselves—someone like me. At the time that we got together I truly believed that my life did not have meaning without someone else in it. I didn’t have an identity unless there was someone else there to shape it. These types of people prey on the vulnerability of others—especially good-natured empaths like myself. It wasn’t until after leaving that I realized that these people are known as narcissists.

                  Initially it was what most people would consider the ‘honeymoon phase’ of a relationship, but with these types of people it is called ‘love bombing’. They pull you in as fast as they can, so they don’t have to keep the façade up for too long and it feels like you hit the lottery of dating. He spoiled me—took me on a fancy vacation for my birthday, bought me flowers randomly and was always there for me when I was sick. He also supported me building my own business. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. 

                But I will never forget when I first saw that ugly side of him. When he took me on vacation for my birthday everything was perfect until I asked for him to spend a Sunday with my family for Easter. It was like a switch flipped. He got so mad that he just left me in the restaurant that we were at—completely abandoned me over something that seemed like a simple request. I wish I could say that was my wake-up call and that when we returned from the trip I left him—but that’s not how this story goes. 


                Instead of seeing that huge red flag waving—I stayed with him. Six months into our relationship we were looking at engagement rings and at around a year together he asked me to marry him and even got permission from my father. But over that time nothing got better, it just continued to get worse. Not just with fighting between the two of us either. He would say that I looked like a lesbian with my hair cut short and that it would be prettier if I grew it out, that my clothes were too revealing, that I would be much prettier if I didn’t have my tattoos. All of these things that he suddenly seemed to dislike about me had been there from the first time he met me. And I changed myself for him.

                It wasn’t until around six years in that I had my wake-up call. I started to open my eyes when I was pregnant with my daughter, but I didn’t leave till right around the time that my daughter was six months old. In those six years I had lost almost all my friends, had a strained relationship with my family, was disconnected from my coworkers, and was in such a deep depression I didn’t realize I was drowning in until I finally got out. And my identity as an individual was nonexistent. Only a few days before my daughter turned six months my parents helped me get a moving truck and with their help I moved out of the townhouse we owned together while he was at work. 

                I can’t say that things got easier after I left him. In fact, I would say that things got worse because he no longer had any reason to be nice to me. Instead of trying to conceal anything to keep me attached he let it all show—he went for the throat. It opened my eyes to so much—especially to things I was lacking in myself. I chopped off all the hair that I had grown out for him, I got rid of more than half of my wardrobe, and I got back to work on my business.

                Despite feeling like I had been supported in my dreams through out our relationship, it wasn’t until after I got away from my ex husband that I realized that he had been the biggest thing holding me back. He didn’t want me working on building a business, he wanted me to be at home taking care of a baby while he controlled everything. When we divorced he even tried to claim that half of my business was his, because he truly believed that I would never created anything without him. 


                The year after I left my ex husband I doubled what I had done the year before in sales. The next year I tripled that. All of this was done while my daughter and I lived with my parents, I was working an almost-fulltime job, and battling with my ex at every turn—both in and out of court. I can’t tell you how many nights ended with exhaustion and tears. Balancing being a mom and building a business isn’t easy. Balancing being a mom, building a business, trying to get back on your feet after hitting rock bottom, and working a day job was overwhelming at times. Nonetheless, I feel like I wouldn’t be who I am today without all of it.



                No matter what bump you hit in the road, people will sometimes ask, ‘What would you go back and change?’. Personally, I think that this is a silly question. Do I wish that I had never met my ex-husband? Of course. Do I wish that I hadn’t made a lot of the mistakes I have made throughout my life? Of course. But the person that I am today wouldn’t exist without those things. 

Removing myself from that toxic relationship helped me recreate myself inside and out. It was as if I got the chance to restart my life and find the value in myself. I regained my confidence, found my own voice and realized that I was capable of so much on my own. I found a wonderful little place for myself and my daughter and it is filled with all of my creative endeavors—from a quirky little bright green camel clock to a dresser and coffee table that I redid.  Everything that I had allowed someone else to smother has come back out in full force. 


                Now that I have learned to stand on my own two feet I’m working every day to love myself. It’s something that I feel like I have been lacking for most of my life—even before my ex husband was in the picture. I find it every day, in all the love and dedication that I put into my confections and in every way that I get to express who I am and what fills me with joy. Without someone else pulling the strings, I have started to discover what loving myself really means. When you find value yourself other people can see it. It shines through in everything that you do, because you’re no longer worried about others devaluing you. It may have taken a long time for me to realize it, but I am grateful for gaining the ability to truly value who I am and what I am capable of. Now, I know that I have the strength to take on any challenge that comes my way and I do everything I can to show my daughter that she has the ability to do the same.

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