WHY LOVING YOURSELF IS NOT JUST AN INSIDE JOB IT’S AN INSIDE CHOICE!


Guest Contributor: Elisha Halpin
In my early life I thought the key to loving myself was being productive, friendly, and talented. I thought that if I was my BEST, then I would be loved by others. And once others loved me, then I would feel loved by myself too.

Well, that did not turn out to be a great process for learning to love myself. In fact, it made life harder and made my confidence in myself frequently come and go.

Actually, it made me way too focused on what others thought of me and on whether I was good enough. So, of course I never did feel good enough. Then I would try harder. I was a dancer so I would work to be the best dancer, get the good parts, and never make any mistakes. I also worked extra hard to prove I was a smart dancer by getting good grades; just in case talent wasn’t enough to earn love, I had brains too.

As I got older, all this TRYING to be enough led me to feel like I was BROKEN, like there was so much in me that needed to be fixed. I am not sure any of it--then or now--could actually be named, but sometimes I would try to make lists of everything I was going to fix about myself. It never really felt like I could get to the heart of what needed to be fixed.

But that’s because my heart was telling me I didn’t need to fix myself.


I didn’t understand that though. I had never been taught that I could love myself for myself. I didn’t know that loving myself didn’t have to do with how other people saw me, or what they thought of me. I didn’t know that even though I didn’t have nice clothes, I could still love myself. I didn’t know that I didn’t need to be popular to love myself.

When someone would hurt me or betray me I felt like it was my fault for not having fixed that thing inside me that made them not like me. It would feel like all the proof I needed to see that if others didn’t love me, there wasn’t anything good to love. I was trapped in feeling unloved.

Sometimes we think we have to wait until we are "fixed" to love ourselves or let others love us. We withhold love from ourselves, believing we are not worthy, thinking we must earn love.


When I was in College I toured with a dance company and all the other dancers were older. They would go out to bars and clubs, but I couldn’t go because I wasn’t old enough so I would read and journal. It was on those tours that I learned to be my own best friend. The other dancers were nice, but since I was 19 and they were well out of College, we didn’t have lots in common. I started to tell myself to do what I wanted. Go eat by myself. Find parks to be in nature. I began to see that I had been waiting for permission to love myself and to live my life like I wanted. I finally realized that I was the only one who could give myself that permission. So, I did. And I made a promise to myself that I would make loving myself my priority no matter what was happening in my life. I would never again wait to love myself. And I would not let anything be used as an excuse to withdraw my commitment to love.

I came up with two sayings that I return to daily to help guide my life and remind me of my commitment:
YOU are the one you have been waiting for!
and
Choose the most loving thing you could do right now and do that!

For me, these sayings remind me to love myself now. Not to wait for someone else to like me so I feel worthy of love. Not look to someone else to see my beauty.

And you know what is crazy?

The more I love myself first, just because I am alive, the more people in my life reflect my awesomeness back to me. And the less hurtful relationships I have. The less bad feelings or thoughts I have about myself the more I choose and commit to loving myself no matter what.

When I decided to love myself even when I have a hurtful feeling, disappointing experience, or negative thought, my whole life changed. I no longer let those be a reason to withdraw love. I don’t worry that I am not enough, which means I can let myself try all kinds of things in life and never have to be “good” at them. I can have fun and live a full life. Loving myself is still my biggest commitment in life. It’s up there with teeth brushing and never leaving the house without chapstick. It is a constant in my life that I will not give up.

Here are 5 ways you can practice loving yourself all the time no matter what:

Begin each day by looking in the mirror and speaking nicely to yourself. Before I got married and I didn’t have to share my bathroom with a boy () I would write love notes to myself in red lipstick on the mirror. Taking time each morning to choose love reminds you to carry that choice into your day.
Talk nicely to yourself. Never call yourself names. Say you are sorry if you do. Talk to yourself like to you do someone that you love and respect. It makes all the difference in the world to speak words of love. Check out this video on what words can do to water and remember we are made up of water too! 

 

Pick a mantra or saying like “I AM the One I am waiting for!” or “I love myself all the time no matter what!” or “I am the best me I can be right now.” Practice saying this over and over again. Write it in your journal. Put it as a reminder on your phone. Chant it when you are doing dishes or cleaning your room.
Pick good friends. Whether they are in your school, on your team, in an online group, your age, older, younger, doesn’t matter. Connect with at least two other girls/women who can boost you when you need it. And then you get to return the love to them. Have weekly or monthly check ins just to share what is on your heart and receive love from your circle.
Live your truth. You have to be YOU because being someone else will never work! Find books, sports, clothes, blogs, podcasts that feel like you. Make art, dances, film, write poetry, draw, doodle, however you want to express in ways that feel true to you. I paint. They stink but I love doing it. The playfulness with the colors feels like me. I am a good dancer, but my other artistic outlets are important, too, even though they are just for me. You get to show up as YOU in your life. Do be respectful of rules at school or home, but be YOU!

Right now, in this moment you are WHOLE. You are BEAUTIFUL. You are SPECIAL. How do I know this? Because every single person on this planet is. I believe if we all knew that, if we all lived in peace with ourselves, we could live in peace with each other. And since I am the one I have been waiting for, the peace and love I want to see in the world begins inside of me. In THIS very moment. We are not just worthy of love, it is our birthright. The more you love and accept yourself, the more you will show up as the person you wish to be. The magic ingredients in self-love are choice and commitment! And I know you have SO got this! So, shimmer on Beautiful Girl. Let’s change the world by shining.


Elisha Halpin is a teacher/coach/mentor who weaves sacred magic and neuroscience together to help women make transformational changes in life. Her mission is to call women all over the world to live WILDY RADIANT and be open to sharing their brilliance through authentic expression. Engaging tools such as daily rituals, embodied practice, breath work, journaling, connecting to divine feminine power, neuro-repatterning, and energy healing, Elisha facilitates women in a rebirthing of their wild, free, and whole Self. Her super powers include being able to see both the soul truth and root wounds that a woman needs to bring into integration and the ability to facilitate that process with love, lots of laughter, and joy.  You can find her on Facebook as Wildly Radiant with Elisha Halpin and Instagram @wildlyradiant_elishahalpin.





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