For the past 4 months I’ve been on my most recent journey
with food. On and off I’ve followed a strict food plan trying to break my
addiction to Diet Pepsi, carbs and sugar. Going into details about the food
plan isn’t even important to write this blog post so I’ll skip the real
specifics of the diet and just share that I’ve done this in 30 day increments. Sometimes
I was successful for the whole 30 days and other times I wasn’t.
What has stood out to me the most about the entire process
is how I view myself mentally when I’m only putting healthy foods into my body.
As time went on and I felt more confident
in my choices and I was seeing success on the scale I started feeling empowered.
I could feel and see changes in my body inside and out, but most importantly I
could feel a shift happening mentally with my self-worth. Now, when I finished
my 30 days both times I wanted to continue eating in the same fashion, but allow
some leniency for going out and special occasions. That did not happen and as
the weeks have gone by, that confidence I gained from “doing healthy” started
wavering too. The more “bad food” started
entering my mouth, the more “bad thoughts” entered my brain. In any given
moment I can find myself having an internal conversation with myself and the
negative side winning. How I looked 24 hours ago may not have changed, yet the
confidence I had the day before is gone and the mental game I’m playing tug o
war with has me convinced I’m a failure.
Let me share an experience from a hike I did this week with
a friend. I start of the day debating what I want to wear and end up putting on
a pair of athletic leggings and an athletic top that I bought with hopes of
wearing after I lost a “few pounds”. Everything was snug, but fit and I felt
great. I put on my hiking sneakers, pack my back pack and head to the
mountains. As we progressed on the trail, the terrain got rockier and at one
point I contemplated turning around, but I kept telling myself 5 more minutes
and the next thing I know we were at the top of the rough terrain. Time was
running out, so we stopped, had lunch and headed back down. For me, the biggest
accomplishment of the whole day was being able to do that hike with minimum
pain afterwards. I kept waiting for the normal pain to hit that evening in my
hips and back and it never did.
After she dropped me off, I text my friend and ask her to
send me the photos she took of me on the trail because I was excited to share
them. As I’m waiting for the photos I
think about the positives. I give myself kudos for actually getting out on the
trail. I give myself kudos for “fitting” into my clothes. I give myself kudos for
doing the hike relatively pain free. Then
the photos came through and within seconds my heart sunk and the negative
messages poured in. The shirt I had chosen confidently was the most
unflattering shirt I’d ever seen. I
thought it was comfortably snug, but it showed every crease and roll of my
belly and I immediately wanted to go bury myself in a hole. How could I have
worn that all day for people to see? How could I have been so stupid and blind
in the mirror? Every success I was celebrating from that day was immediately
overshadowed by how I looked. Needless
to say, only the close up photos or photos of my backside were shown on social
media.
I’ve had a few days to recover and if I’m honest it’s not
been easy. Yesterday was my birthday so the whole week has been full of fun and
food. Food that normally isn’t a big deal, expect in times like this when I’m
trying to analyze the mental game that’s already been going on in my head for a
month. This blog post doesn’t end with a fairy tale ending or one magical quote
to fix it all, but it does end with me telling myself I’m worth being healthy.
Even when I feel like I’m failing and I look “like a fatty” I’ll keep trying
and moving forward. So here I am spilling the truth and posting the photo for
all to see. I’m 49 sparklers and I’m not giving up. Like that trail this self-esteem journey is full of obstacles and I’m just thankful I have something like the Shimmer,
Sparkle, Shine Project in my life to help give me the reminders I constantly need along the way. Michelle
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