Embrace The Person That You Are!

By Guest Contributor: Heather McKim

Authentically Heather

 For as long as I can remember, I have always hated the way I looked. My hair was too curly. My arms were too big. My toes too long. What bothered me the most about being me however was, my bigness. 

You might automatically think I’m talking about my weight or my height, and you wouldn’t be wrong; I’m also talking about how a present to people in a non-physical way such as the loudness of my voice and the way in which I laugh.

It’s amazing when we think about feeling good in our own skin, we often don’t think about our behaviors; things that come to us naturally, that we also feel ashamed about.

My Grandmother (I love her and she meant well) worked in the Bridal business. She was quite a fashionable woman and would hold these elaborate bridal shows where women and girls would model the newest wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses to potential buyers; new brides-to-be planning their future weddings.

Months before these fashion shows my Grandmother would set forth to find beautiful models to wear these gowns. She always told me I was ‘pretty’, but she never asked me to be one of her models. She would ask my cousins or my sisters, but my role was always in the back room. My job would be to steam the dresses or stand behind the curtain and make sure the trains of the dresses were flared out nicely as the model sauntered down the runway. I remember feeling ashamed of myself. I felt fat and I felt ugly. I knew I was not good enough and if my own Grandmother did not think that I was good enough then how could I expect anyone else to think that?

 

For most of my life I wanted to be beautiful like my cousins. I wanted to be chic and fashionable like my Grandma and tall and slender like my mother. In my mind I paled in comparison, I was none of these things.

There were occasions when I would spend the night at my Grandmother’s house. I would witness her weigh herself religiously every morning and every night. I would watch her make one piece of toast and cut it into four fingers because she said “it felt like you were eating more food” that way. I quickly learned that the number on that scale determined my overall worth and unfortunately that way of thinking became the way I valued myself for most of my life. 

 

Over the next thirty or more years I would be called, chubby, fat, ugly, weird looking, brown-noser, loud, lazy and annoying by various people in my life. Eventually you begin to believe the stories you hear about yourself. As an adult I embraced (and enjoyed) physical fitness more often, but it didn’t really change the way I looked I just felt better about myself. However, here I was taking care of myself and doing everything I possibly could; training for a half-marathon with my husband of 7 years when he cheated on me.

Once again a reminder that I was not good enough, and because I was concerned about my worth I entered into another relationship that was fraught with serious emotional and mental abuse.

To be completely transparent with you, that relationship almost destroyed me. I cannot quantify the emotional destruction it caused in words, but I can say that because of it I suffered with and was treated for CPTSD, anxiety, depression and adrenal fatigue. 

This blog is not about my past relationships or the one that broke me but it is about rebuilding myself from that point; the pain and destruction helped me see things as they really were. 

What I first believed to be true after this happened was that I was somehow at fault for it all because simply put, “I wasn’t good enough”. Had I been good enough (I thought) then none of these things would have happened to me. My first instinct was to try to be better. If I was not good enough then I would be. I would be thin and I would be beautiful (because nothing bad ever happens to anyone who is thin and beautiful). I would be quieter and more demure and I would be more lady-like (I’m still not sure what this entails or what it even means to be honest).

I would train for a marathon.

I would not eat carbs.

I would listen quietly instead of weigh in with my opinion.

That is what I set out to do, but quite the opposite happened. I was so tired of pleasing others and wanting to be good enough that it came to me in my brokenness; what I really needed to do was fix the way I felt about myself. What I needed to undo was the perception I had of myself based on what other people had told me about myself throughout the years. I needed to appreciate myself. I needed for the first time in my entire life to love ME!

For the next year I intentionally (and unintentionally) set out to do just that. I set out on a mental transformation, a journey of self-discovery and I learned quite a few fascinating things.

I like working out, but I didn’t work out to be thin I worked out because it cleared my mind and made me feel mentally fit. 

After years of straightening my unruly and curly hair I decided to leave it be more often. I still like it straight but wanted to get used to the idea of being 100% authentically me.

What I was trying to do by trial and error was to decide on my own who I was and what I liked without input from others. 

During this phase of self-discovery (self-discovery should never stop) I realized that many of the things people criticized me for over the years were actually things they wished they’d had. I realized also that often when someone is fearful about something or doesn’t like something about themselves they project that on to other people.  I realized that I had been targeted by my abuser because of my personality and my successes; because of who I was not despite it. Most abusers target victims that they wish they were more like.

I started showing up more and when I did it was as transparent and as authentic as I could possibly be. I stopped hiding who I was and let the chips fall where they may. Most importantly I established much needed boundaries, and as a result lost some friendships. I realized that I was already good enough. I didn’t need someone in my life to make me better, what I needed was someone to compliment who I am already; I needed a tribe built on trust and authenticity.

If you’re reading this and you can relate; if you struggle with self-esteem and body issues. If you struggle with your identity and your purpose then know this, as you sit there right now reading my blog you are already good enough.

 

Embrace the person that you are and if you’re still not sure about who that is then start from the beginning.

Try new things.

Do new things.

Be courageous, be brave, and be vulnerable.

This is your life and you and only you determine how you show up. Your ultimate goal should be to come to the conclusion that you really like you; that you ought to be kinder to you. As Ghandi would say “Don’t let anyone walk through your mind with their dirty feet”.

“No” you say? You’re sitting there and your pants are too tight? Well listen you have some choices to make then. You can sit there in the pants, you can do something about it or you can buy bigger pants!

Please don’t every think you’re unworthy because of it, they’re only pants!