Guest Contributor: Julia
It
all started when I was about 14 and I realized that my body didn’t look
like my friends or even my sister. My friends were all very petite and
thin, my sister was super tall and slender, and I was short, curvy, and
muscular.
I
never thought about my body or how it looked or how much I was eating
until people started making comments about it. I was called “potential”
in high school because I had “potential” to look like my sister. I was
bullied by a boy that would call me “fat ass” as I walked down the
hallway, and I started to hate the way I looked. I wasn’t getting
attention from boys and I felt inadequate. I decided that I would lose
weight. I began working out a lot more and restricting my calories. I
was consuming sometimes only 500 calories a day and was exhausted and
hungry.
It
got to the point that I couldn’t maintain the low calories and would
binge on food at night. I wasn’t even consuming that many calories, but
to me it felt like a binge and I get beyond guilty. I felt that I needed
to get rid of what I had done and began purging after I ate. I was
making myself throw up sometimes 3-4 times a day.
I
then became obsessed with working out and developed orthorexia. I
slowly stopped purging my food because I didn’t want to be found out and
purged my food by exercise. I was working out 2 hours a day, using
MyFitnessPal app for everything I ate, and weighing and measuring myself
multiple times a day.
My
life was consumed with how I looked and I felt that being thin would
bring me happiness and love. I got down to my goal weight and I thought I
would feel thus sense of joy and accomplishment. Instead I get empty. I
felt alone. I isolated myself and ruined relationships because I was
solely focused on my body and withdrew myself from society. Everybody
thought I was fine because I hid behind my humor and on the inside I was
miserable. I still didn’t love my body. I wanted to be skinnier, I
wanted to more toned, I kept wanting to change it.
I
finally realized that I didn’t want to live my life hating the way I
look. I didn’t want to pass down my insecurities to my future children. I
wanted to be confident in who I was and how I looked. I wanted to
attract the right type of people in my life and I needed to start by
changing myself. Not changing the way I looked, but changing the way I
was thinking. Change my mind.
I
decided to seek out an eating disorder therapist and a nutritionist
that specialized in intuitive eating. I dedicated my time to learning to
love myself and realized I would rather work hard at changing my
thoughts than be miserable at my own reflection.
Over
2.5 years I worked with Amy about my anxiety and body-image issues. She
taught me that my eating disorder voice wasn’t a rational one. That the
negative thoughts that flowed through my mind weren’t real. I had to
unlearn what I thought about myself. I had to learn how to work through
the real root of my issues instead of masking it by obsessively counting
calories and working out. I learned to “thought-stop” and crush the
negative thoughts as they came in and turn them positive.
I
also worked with Tina about my eating and how to intuitively eat and
listen to my body. I learned that there is no “good” or “bad” food, and
all food can fit into your life. I learned to find enjoyment in all
types of food and stopped restricting. I learned that I was an emotional
eater (so many of us are!) and I figured out how to listen to my hunger
cues versus my emotions.
I
had this huge fear that if I let go of my eating disorder and dieting
lifestyle that I would gain a bunch of weight. And guess what, I did
gain some weight. But I’ve stayed the same weight (give or take 5lbs)
over the last 3 years. My body found its natural state. I can enjoy the
foods I love, workout for enjoyment, and live my life! I don’t have to
cancel plans with friends in fear of getting off my diet and can eat a
cookie without feeling guilty.
I’ve
learned to look at my body with appreciation. To see how much it does
for me every single day. I have strong legs to take me all over the
world, I have a functioning heart and 2 lungs that help me hike and see
beautiful sites, and a tummy that lets me enjoy yummy foods!
I’ve
stopped looking at my body with disgust and focused on its ability, not
weight. I’ve learned that I am more than my body and that my body holds
a beautiful soul and I need to treat it with respect and love. It’s my
home and I need to take care of it. Know that you can love your body, no
matter what it looks like. We are all beautiful and unique, and that’s
what makes us special! Who cares if you have a belly, cellulite, and
stretch marks, you are more than your body! We need to start living our
life beyond the body and really find what truly makes us happy humans!
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