Written by Rosa Palermo
Health & Wellness Coach
My parents got married because my mum got pregnant.
Mum was the only child of a spinster who adopted her after the second World War and my dad was a handsome young immigrant from Italy, who wooed her off her feet.
My Dad’s mum died in Italy when he was four years old, and his father re-married. When the family emigrated to Australia, my grandfather tried to give my dad away to the monks.
So here you have two people bringing a baby into the world who weren’t in love and had very little idea on how to love a small human-being selflessly. Neither had come from ‘normal’ family situations or had great parental role models.
Growing up in my family was tough. Dad hated noise, so we had to make sure we were seen and not heard. We weren’t allowed to make a noise, or a mess and had lots of chores to do around the house once our homework was finished.
I ended up with a brother and two sisters. My parents worked full-time, so I pretty much raised those kids. I got them breakfast in the morning and we all left for school together. When we got home, there would be a list of chores, and homework. I’d make our lunches for the next day. After dinner, it was dishes, a little bit of telly and then toilet, teeth and bed. No exceptions.
I was babysitting my siblings when I was 10 years old. My youngest sister was just one year old.
I never felt like I was good enough. I wasn’t allowed an opinion nor a choice. I did not feel loved or wanted. I felt like I was a physical, emotional and financial. Of course I was. Dad said it often enough!
This led to me growing into a young woman with low self-esteem who looked for love in all the wrong places. I always ended up being hurt and used and having relationships with all the wrong type of people. By the time I was 35, I’d been married twice and had a child from each marriage. I’d moved interstate twice and always put myself first, not giving my kids stability and a chance to connect and form long lasting relationships with other kids.
On the weekends my kids were away at their dads’, I would just party, party, party – just to block out the pain of feeling unloved and not good enough.
I once drank a whole bottle of bourbon alone on a Saturday night and sat in a hot bath with a razor blade to my wrist. What stopped me was the thought of those beautiful little kids of mine waking up in the morning and finding their mum in such a horrible way.
I was a doormat to my bosses and could never say no, for fear of people not liking me. I was always tired and rundown. I was resentful that I was constantly giving to others and they didn’t reciprocate. I often had one-sided friendships and relationships.
Then one day, I kid you not, a knight in shining armor came into my life. This man kept insisting I was special, lovable and worthy. At the same time, this man held a mirror up to my face. We had some tough times.
Gees, when I realized what a selfish cow I’d been chasing relationships all over the country with my poor kids in tow, I was distraught.
I then had to process the guilt of being a selfish parent, just like my parents had been. Then came the processing of anger I had at my parents for ‘making me like that’. I didn’t talk with them for a while.
My dad then got sick, and I knew I wouldn’t forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t speaking with him.
That was about 14 years ago, and there has been much personal growth in that time. Below are some of my tips on learning to love yourself:
- You can’t blame anyone else for who or what you are today
- You have a choice
- Practising gratitude will help to set the tone for your day (how can you be miserable if you feel blessed?)
- Move your body in ways you enjoy
- The number on the scales does not define your worth
- You are so much more than your appearance
- Boldly embrace and shine your light, not just for yourself, but also as a guide for others
- Comparison is the thief of joy
- There’s no such thing as perfect
- Be true to yourself. Follow your own path. Listen to your gut
- You don’t need to be in a relationship to be worthy
- There’s nothing wrong with being emotional or sensitive. Showing your vulnerability can be one of the most powerful ways of connecting with others and finding your ‘tribe’
- We are all made up of light and dark. You need to have the bad to appreciate the good. If you can’t accept the ‘dark’ side of you (we all have them), you will never completely love and accept yourself
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