When the Going Gets Tough: Guidelines for Courgeous Childhood Friendships

Written by Guest Contributor, Sarah Murphy

In the microcosm of a child’s experience, friendship is king. 

Beyond our family, our friends are the people we tumble, fall, laugh, joke, cry and rejoice with.  With them, we discover so many things about ourselves, the world we live in and our early beliefs and habits.  They are essential early agents of socialisation and it is difficult to sum up just how important they are to a child.

In my work as a lifecoach, and previously as a teacher, I am constantly reminded that friendship proves something of a grey area for children; they often don’t have the self-awareness, tools, courage or communication skills to be able to deal with friendship issues as they arise. Being left out, being on the receiving end of unpleasant words or being dumped by a friend can have a hugely detrimental effect on their self-worth and potentially rattle their lives to the core.

As educators, we often place great emphasis on the curriculum we teach.  I believe we need to place greater emphasis on the social and emotional component of children’s well being which underpins any academic success which we may wish them to have.

In many ways, children are left to their own devices when it comes to their friendships.  However, when you consider that what happens in a child’s private life can have a knock on effect on their confidence and motivation to work hard in school, it is important that we empower them with positive messages and offer them the tools to navigate the world of friendship in a way that sets them up well for their lives in general. 

After all, relationships are one of the five components of well being theory according to the founder of the Positive Psychology movement, Martin Seligman.  Relationships are not always easy, even for adults.  There is no point in sugar-coating the fact that children will face adversity in their friendships, even with those considered their BFFs.  However, the more we help children to manage their relationships from a young age, the better off, and happier, they will be as they get older.

To a child, particularly a sensitive child, experiencing difficulties in friendships can make or break their self-esteem.  What’s more is they can often feel an impulse to keep these matters to themselves for fear of shame and embarrassment so that they can often suffer friendship issues alone.  This creates a recipe for concerned and frustrated parents and miserable, anxious children.

In order to address this, the FRIENDS acronym below can help a child to conceptualize and evaluate a healthy friendship and steer them towards determining whether they be proactive in improving their friendships.  

A courageous child is reflective and assertive in friendships, understands healthy boundaries and isn’t afraid to take action in a friendship.  

   

Below is a list of helpful friendship keys for courageous friendships using the

FRIENDS  acronym:

1)      F: Feel- How do I want to feel in this friendship?  How do I feel in this friendship right now?

This friendship key asks children to think about how they would like to feel in a friendship versus how they actually feel.  It encourages them to analyze the quality of a friendship and explore their experience of it.

2)   R: Recognizing the good in a friendship.  What do I like about my friend? What are their best qualities?

This key asks children to focus on the positive aspects of a friendship and why a child chose a friendship in the beginning. What does that friendship add to their lives?

3)   I: Am I the best friend that I can be? Do I treat my friend as I would like to be treated myself? What role do I play in the friendship?  How might my friend feel as a result of my behaviour towards them?

This key reminds children that friendship is a two-way street.  They must treat their friend in a way that they would hope to be treated.  It also reminds them that their part in the friendship creates the current dynamic.

4)      E:  Elements- Elements of good friendships. Good friends encourage and support each other.

This key speaks to the nurturing and supportive aspect of friendship.  Good friends respect, admire and inspire each other to be the best they can.  Good friends are kind, offer compliments, listen to your problems and offer advice. Friendships are about sharing life experiences, having fun and enhancing our well being.

5)      N: Noticing how I feel as a result of my friend’s behaviour towards me.  I can be mindful of when I feel good or bad as a result of what my friend says or does. 

A child can pay attention and reflect on what a friend says or does and to check in with themselves on how it makes them feel.  They can begin to get curious as to why they feel like that.

6)      D: Decide- I can always decide who is and is not my friend.  I can decide if something my friend says or does is acceptable to me or not.

This key reminds children that friendship is always a choice.  I can decide who is and isn’t my friend and I can decide if something is acceptable or not to me and whether to address it or not.

7)      S: Speak my mind if there is something I am not happy about.  The key to good friendships is communication.  I can tell my friend how something they have said or done makes me feel and make a request if there is something I need.

This key empowers a child with choice.  They can decide to take action on a friendship.  They can speak up assertively if there is something they are not happy about and they can decide if this friendship is a positive addition to their lives or not.

Friendships aren’t always perfect and we need to teach our children to be realistic about the challenges that we all face in our relationships.  When we teach our children to set healthy boundaries for themselves in friendships and to communicate with honesty and respect in the face of challenges, this sets them up to be the empathetic, emotionally intelligent and resilient friends, partners, co-workers and family members of tomorrow.  

 Sarah Murphy is a lifecoach and educator who is the founder of Courageous Kids a website dedicated to empowerment and positive development of children.  She offers life coaching, programs and workshops to children and teens.  You can find her on Facebook Courageous Kids Club.