Exploring the Pain of Attachment



Hi Sparklers, 

About a year ago I started writing when my thoughts and feelings would become overwhelming. I would type out everything on my computer to get it all out and then just leave it there. A few weeks ago I went back through and read it all again and found this recurring pattern that I have basically summed up in one word: attachment. Here are some of the things I’ve been reflecting on.
Emotions
I got into this habit of trying to push away negative emotions and then I would cling to happy moments. There have been several times in the last year that I have thought, “I wish I could live in this moment and feel this way forever.” But emotions are impermanent and we can’t selectively feel. Happiness doesn’t exist without sadness. We can’t resist emotions and we can’t try to hold onto them either. Both lead to suffering. We must allow our emotions to come and go freely. 
Outcomes
When faced with any situation we have to tell ourselves and believe that no matter what happens, we will be okay. Whether you get a perfect grade or not, you will be okay. Whether you get into your top choice college or not, you will be okay. Whether that person wants to be your friend or not, you will be okay. Everything will work out the way it is meant to and you are strong enough to get through anything that comes your way. If you believe that, you will be able to enjoy the journey of life without worrying about achieving specific outcomes.
The Past and the Future
There’s a quote out there that basically says that anxiety is what happens when you are living in the future, and depression is what happens when you are living in the past. When we are attached to the future, we worry because we can’t control it. And when we can’t let go of the past, we can’t be happy in present. This doesn’t mean that we should never think about the past or the future. Reflection and planning are both great things, but we can’t get stuck constantly doing either of those things. The only moment we are guaranteed is this one so let’s embrace it.
Relationships
It is impossible to have a healthy relationship when one or both of the people involved is attached to the other. When we come into any relationship with another person, we have to do so knowing that we are whole and complete on our own. We don’t need anyone to complete us - friends, family, or partners. That being said, we can’t begin a relationship with anyone if we are looking to gain anything from them. This has happened to me a lot during college. With many of my friends, I have waited around for them to reach out to me and show me that they want to be around me. I wanted them to make me feel wanted and to help me feel good about myself. I have hung out with people more so that I don’t feel like a loner, not because I wanted to actually spend time with them. That isn’t fair to either of us. My worth must come from inside, not from them. Expecting them to make me feel better about myself isn’t fair to them because they can’t do that for me. It puts pressure on our relationship and gets in the way of true friendship and connection. Both sides have to come looking to give friendship and love. There can’t be any conditions involved. When we are looking to gain something from another person, we form that attachment to getting what we want from them and then we cling to them. If we can approach our relationships knowing that we are amazing on our own and we are only looking to GIVE love, we can create a wonderful friendship with that person.
Expectations
When our expectations are not met, by people or circumstances, we are left feeling extremely disappointed. Even if an outsider looking in would say that our lives look so great, we are blind to the blessings around us because our lives don’t look the way we expected them to. It’s important to recognize when we are holding onto our expectations and then we have to let them go. We have to approach our lives with an open mind and a sense of exploration.


When we embrace the fact that nothing is permanent and we let go of our attachment and attempts to control everything, we accept everything for what it is and we are free to peacefully enjoy life.   - Ashley

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