Use Your Powers For Good, Not Evil

Thank you to our Guest Blogger Shelley Leighliter for her incredible story and support for the SSS Project. You think answering the question "What Does Self Worth Mean To You?" can be difficult to answer, try compiling your life story into one blog post.  She had to dig deep and be honest to compile her story and we love and appreciate her for going there. 

I am almost a half century old and I am just now starting to figure things out.  Sad in a way, but in another I have a lot more understanding and compassion for what I am witnessing in myself and others.  It's amazing what can happen in that amount of time.  I have had very tragic things happen to me over my lifetime, one alone could give me an "excuse" to be a victim or to give up.  It never crossed my mind as an option.  I just pushed through life and always found myself leading some type of rebellious act.  For some reason, I take great personal responsibility for demanding that fairness and kindness be showered equally on each child of God.  Am I a rebel? Am I a terror? Am I a wave maker?  I believe I am just exactly who God wanted me to be.  Being able to say that now has come from years of struggle, sadness, loneliness and incredible experiences.

I am told that as a young child I was a holy terror.  I was the oldest of two girls and we were almost one year apart in age to the day.  We were very poor.  I had no idea of course.  I would say that when you are two years old and brought home naked by the police because you escaped from your house...again.... and were running around the busy neighborhood, that might equal to the title I received as a little child.  I have only a few vivid memories and a couple photos of my father, who passed away when I was seven, at the age of 42.  It was a terrible time for my mother and she did all she could to keep it together.  She worked so hard to keep us in our home that we had just purchased prior to my father's death. During that time though, we were kind of released in to the wild in a way.  We walked to and from school, and the neighbor mother's kept an eye out for us.  We played until the streetlights came on and we went into the house after that.  This and the lack of a father figure made me a perfect target for a very "kind" neighbor man who entertained the local children at his pool.  I was abused by this man for a year or so, I really don't know how long.  For some reason I feel I was protected in some way during that time.  Once it was discovered, he was dealt with and the abuse stopped.  I was never hateful or anything like that, but it did alter the way I thought I had to act in order to receive attention from the males of the world.  This alone could have given me an easy out on life if I let it.  I consider it a major blessing that my heart and soul were not filled with hatred.

My Dad, Robert, Mom, Jill, me and my Sister, Laura.  San Diego, 1975

I was an athlete during my younger years.  Nothing that required grace or flexibility, because I severely lack both of those.  I played football, baseball and soccer when I was young.  I remember at the age of 8 or 9, I was playing little league baseball with the boys.  They kept throwing the ball really hard at me and aiming for the two things that make girls different from the boys in the upper region of the body.  I was then told this was no place for a girl and they had just started a girl’s softball league and felt I should go there.  Well I did and I continued to play softball for the next ten years, through high school and college.  I loved playing, but dang girls can be cruel.  Name calling, pointing out anyone's weakness, be it weight, ability, or appearance was heard.  Was I a bully? I don't know.  I know I was loud and bossy, but I hope that I was never mean spirited or abusive.  All I know is that I hated when people spoke unkindly to others, especially those that suffer from any type of handicap. 

When I was in Junior High School, I really pushed back on a lot of "norms".  As an 8th grader, we were told by our not so wonderful Principal that our graduation dance was cancelled because there was a milkshake fight in the cafeteria.  It was not fair in my eyes.  Many were not involved in the fight and were being punished (not saying I was one of the innocent of course).  Somehow I was able to put together an organized walk out and picket line at our school.  I still can't believe I was part of something like that.  We walked our halfway through our first class and refused to return until the decision was overturned.  Kids had made signs and hid them on their way to school near the fences and we picketed back and forth until lunchtime.  The local press was called and they came and took pictures and interviewed a few students.   The principal called me and another two students into the office for a "meeting".  We expressed our feelings, offered to make sure the cafeteria was completely cleaned and demanded the same celebration every other class had received over the years.  He agreed and we all returned to class after lunch.  I don't think they even called my Mom.  I was so irritated with the school environment; I took my GED in the summer after my Junior year and never returned.  I just could not take all the meanness.  I was in college at the age of 16.  Was I a wave maker, ceiling smasher or instigator?

My sister, Laura, and I.  Utah, 1978

I can say this now and know this brought me a lot of pain and sorrow.  I missed having a Dad.  Every girl needs to hear words of love, encouragement and acceptance from a man.  If you don't have it at home, you will seek it in other places.  Those places do not always lead to positive relationships, experiences or can actually backfire and make you feel worthless and hopeless.  I was in my late teens and I had a mad crush on this young man.  It was a stupid crush, but he always dangled enough bait to keep me there.  I valued myself so little, I was willing to take whatever scraps he brushed off the table.  I look back now and it makes me so sad that I was so desperate for love and attention.  After a year or two of this insanity, I finally asked him if he was ever going to just date me.  He then said something that to this day is so ingrained in my memory that I can tell you almost every detail from the weather to the color of the interior of the car.  He said to me, "I don't date fat girls".  What?????  I was 18, a college softball player and probably about 130 pounds.  I was destroyed, and to this day, I still struggle with this on a daily basis.  That one little conversation made me believe I was unlovable and I should just be grateful for any attention a boy would give me.  That is not the way to build successful relationships. I can say that after being divorced twice and not dealing with those issues prior to entering into such a commitment.   

This is 18 year old me.  Christmas 1985

I always found myself doing things with mostly boys.  I liked sports and that tended to put me in the boy "friend" zone.  I never did well in large groups of women.  I found their conversations petty and most of time just talking down about other people, trying to make themselves look or seem better.  So, when I found myself leaning towards a career, I guess it was not surprising that once again, I would go where most women never do.  Law enforcement has been, still is and should remain a majority male occupation.  I say that because it is a really hard job and triple hard for women.  I entered the California Highway Patrol Academy in 1988.  It was a group of 150 cadets, 25 being women.  Imagine a combination boot camp, college campus, wilderness survival, race car driver school and the Biggest Loser all in one.  It was crazy for my 20 year old self.  I was standing in formation and one of the Staff Services Officers came up to me and started screaming right in my face.  He was not happy that I was smiling.  "What are you smiling for?".  My response was honest.  "I'm a happy person, Sir."  Well, that was not the answer he wanted and the next 25 weeks of my life were filled with stress, peer pressure and anxiety, as I was learning an entire new way to live my life.  It was not enough to scare me away though, and graduate I did as the youngest female Officer in the state! I believe my experiences in my youth prepared be to not be afraid when I was placed in positions of confrontation and discrimination, by the public and co-workers.  When I arrived in the small town as a newly promoted Sergeant in Northern California, I was the first woman to ever work there as a sworn officer.  I was up for the challenge and believe I handled it very well.  It was a recipe that included humor, experience and a few tricks up my sleeve.  Now, its 28 years later and I can't believe the things I have seen, the people I have arrested, the tickets I have issued and the ultimate pain, suffering and addiction of humanity.  At first I was horrified, then infuriated at the person's weakness, and now I am just sad.  It makes me sad to think of what had to happen to a person to put them in a place that allows someone to give up so much.  Where did they lose their worth?  Where did they lose hope?  Where did they lose their morals? 

 In 2012, I was honored to be named one of California's Officers of the Year for my creation of a community service group called K.I.S.S.  (Kids In Siskiyou Serving).  Children and families performed one hour of service for elderly, disabled, ill and veteran neighbors.  Pictured with me are two of the volunteers from the group, Morgan and Chelsea.

It was at this point in my life that I realized I was no better than they were.  I had lost all of those things too; I was just keeping it inside and mostly feeding my sadness and loneliness.  In 2009, I had a complete break down as I had lost custody of my son and left the state with his father.  I was in a completely unhealthy relationship... again, my son was struggling and I felt like I could not do anything for him.  I remember clearly sobbing uncontrollably in the shower and I was praying to God to help me.  I wanted to know how to help my son.  The answer was loud and clear, as if the person was standing in the bathroom with me.  The voice said, you need to get yourself right and he will follow.  From that moment forward, I have never looked back.  I really looked at the insanity cycle I had allowed myself to fall into and broke it.  I had to learn to love myself.  That is hard to do, as only you know all of your shortcomings.  I renewed my faith in God and committed my life to being a disciple and servant of Jesus Christ.  It has led me to the most miraculous experiences in my life.  I am exactly who God wants me to be.  My crazy, when harnessed, leads to great things.  I came to an understanding with myself that I'm an OK person; I am perfectly content when I focus my energies on serving and loving others, and I do not have to be in a relationship to be loved.  It was liberating to live my life in a way that is not always trying to either appease someone else or be begging for a love, attention and acceptance.  My life that was somewhat dark and dreary lit up.  My son moved home with me and he started to do better.  We were in a good place.

My son, Taylor, and I right before I left for Israel. August 2011

Following promptings has been another wonderful experience, which has led to life changing experience that brought me to meeting the oh-so incredible Ciara and Michelle from the SSS Project.  In 2011, I felt very strongly that I was to take a trip to Israel, ALONE.  It was with a tour group, but I would leave the country by myself.  Kind of scary, but I knew I had to go.  Let's just say in August of 2012, in a country far, far away, I would meet people that to this day I feel are family.  I witnessed miracles.  My faith in God and Jesus Christ became rock solid as I walked the path of Christ.  It all came to life and became real.  This one adventure has led to the work I intend to do for the rest of my life; loving other people for no reason, reward or commendation.  Serving my fellow man is the key.  The love that I feel is so empowering.  It is amazing how it changed my views and how it changes others as well.  Meeting people who love unconditionally can bring such happiness and light into lives.  When hundreds of people with open hearts combine efforts, lives are transformed, broken hearts are mended, lonely souls find companions, and miracles happen.  That small group of people started a national traveling service organization called Labor of Love USA.  Since 2011, we have been to 15 cities all over the country performing random acts of kindness and service projects.

 September 15, 2014, the small town of Weed, California suffered a wildfire that destroyed most of the city.  This down is my neighbor to the south.  We had a Labor of Love planned in my hometown scheduled for two weeks later.  We were able to shift gears and help families who had lost everything.  This was the house site of one of the Weed Police Officers who lost his home.  They sifted for anything of value.  They found his melted service revolver and badge.

After being happily single for many years, God placed the most incredible man in my path.  We had known each other since 2002, and he had seen me and all my crazy, so he knew what he was getting into.  He on the other hand I knew him as a professional, but not as a husband and father.  If there was an Olympic sport for being a husband, he would win the GOLD, hands down.  I don't think I would have been ready or willing to be treated so well, if it was not for the transformation I had experienced in the years prior.  Love is something that is given and also received.  I had never been so honest with a man upfront about myself, my beliefs and my standards in my life.  I laid it all out there to him, without fear of rejection.  This is who I am, take it or leave it.  I'm good with where I am.  Shockingly, he was right there with me on most of our ideals and it has been the most incredible love affair.  Something I could have never experienced without giving into who I am.  I implore all of my single friends out there to approach relationships in the same way.  Honesty not only helps remove those who were false in their motives, but, opens a line of communication that will allow you to never fear sharing your feelings. 

Labor of Love, Oklahoma City, OK 2013.... Where I was able to show off my freshly placed engagement ring. 

I am exactly who and what God intended me to be.  My value and self-worth has been reignited by looking outside of myself.  We are our worst critics.  I still struggle everyday with my little quirks and weaknesses.  I just try to be a better person today than I was yesterday.  Yes, I'm a rebel!  Yes, I can be a terror!  Yes, I'm a wave maker!  Yes, I'm a ceiling smasher!  Yes, I'm not conventional anything!  Yes, I'm just fine being all of those things!  If I may leave you with one of my favorite sayings that I intend to be on my headstone," Use your powers for good, not evil".  We all have incredible powers, use them.

The today me..and the love of my life.