In the last year I’ve realized how much I let fear
control my life. When I was young I was afraid to drown, so I didn’t learn how
to swim until I was 8. I was afraid of falling off a bike and getting hurt, so
I didn’t learn to ride one without training wheels until I was 7. I was afraid
to be wrong, so I hardly ever participated in classes.
I know those may sound like small things, but I believe
that the small things become the big things. I let my fear of riding a bike
translate to fear of driving and didn’t get my license until after I turned 17.
I still get anxious when I speak up in class or at work, even when I know I’m
right or I know I have a good idea.Ultimately, my fears held me back from trying and
experiencing a lot of things. Here’s the advice I would give to my younger self
that I hope all you Sparklers will be able to use too:
Start
Small
I’m not saying that you should make a list of your
biggest fears and go try to face them all right away. Start with some
manageable things first. Make a list of things that only make you a little bit
uncomfortable and work with those before moving on to some of the big ones. And
take tiny steps to overcoming some of the things you are afraid of. Go slow and
don’t beat yourself up if you are having a hard time at first. You’ll get there
eventually if you keep trying.
Notice
and Observe
Awareness is the key to understanding and overcoming
fear. Notice how it makes your body feel and how it changes your thoughts. Sit
with your fear and start trying to understand and recognize it.
Get
to the “Why”
Sit down and ask yourself why you are afraid. You’ll be
surprised to find that most of your reasons don’t really make a whole lot of
sense. For example, I was afraid of swimming because I was scared that I
couldn’t and that I would end up drowning. Did I really think that my parents
would just sit there and watch me sink and die right in front of them if I
jumped into the pool without floaties? I really did. I really thought that no
one would realize I needed help. I also thought that I physically couldn’t do
it. I thought I would just sink like a rock even though my sister was swimming
just fine right in front of me. I didn’t even realize that this was how my
fearful brain was thinking until I was a lot older. So try it. Write it all out
and continue to ask yourself why. Then reread it and see how much you lie to
yourself when you are afraid.
Change
the “What ifs”
We all do this when we are scared. We answer all the
negative what if questions we can think of. What if they don’t like me? What if
they are mean to me? What if they laugh at me? Write out those questions and
answer all of them. Remember that you can only control how you think and react.
If something doesn’t go the way you want it to, change how you think about the
way it turns out. Everything happens for a reason. If that person you want to
try to be friends with doesn’t like you, it means they weren’t meant to be your
friend and if you forced it, you would end up with a bad friend that would only
tear you down and make you miserable. Know that if you end up experiencing
something negative, it’s almost always a blessing in disguise.
The other side of this is to take those what ifs and make
them positive. What if they do like you? What if they are nice to you? What if
they laugh with you? Then that’s great and you will have gained a new friend.
There’s no way to know for sure how something will turn
out if you let your fear talk you out of doing it. And inaction is the surest
way to create pain and regret.
What’s
the worst that could happen?
Another question you can ask yourself. Write out the
worst case scenario. In most cases it really isn’t as bad as your fear would
have you believe.
Practice
Now that you have identified your fears and how they make
you think and feel you can make strategies for how to work through it. It’s not
going to be easy but it will be rewarding because facing our fear is the path
to growth and new opportunities.
-Ashley
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