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Hi Sparklers, 

One day I was talking to someone about my plans after graduating college. He asked what options I had in mind. When I told him some of the careers I was considering, he said that people looking to go into those careers had to be “encouragers.” Then he looked at me and asked if I was an “encourager.” I shrugged and said I don’t know to this guy because for some reason I felt like I would be lying if I said yes, but I also didn’t want to say no because I didn’t want my ideas to be shot down so easily.

When I got home and thought about that moment, I realized that in the split second between his question and my response I felt a sense of inadequacy. I remembered all of the times that people called me “shy”. People have called me that since I can remember. So how could I encourage people if I was shy? How could I possibly have a career working with people if I was too shy to do it? I was talking myself down and I wasn’t giving myself a chance.

People put that label on me and I let it define me for far too long. I have been trying for a few years to break free from the limits I’ve put on myself because of that word. I know that no one meant to hurt me with it, but after hearing it so many times I believed that it was a bad thing. I thought that being uncomfortable around strangers and in big crowds meant that I was boring and that no one would ever like me or want to talk to me. So many negative and limiting beliefs came from such a small, seemingly insignificant word.

I’m not shy. I simply prefer to listen. I want to hear your story and your thoughts and opinions and I want to understand you. I like to be in smaller groups of people because I want to be able to have a great conversation with everyone and make connections with them. I don’t like bouncing from one group to another when there’s a huge number of people in one place. It drains my energy. And that’s okay.

If you have found that you’ve let yourself be defined by a word or label that you’ve placed on yourself or that others have placed on you, here’s how you can work through it:

1. Continue to practice self-love

Speak kindly to yourself. Tell yourself that you are perfect the way you are. Since I always thought that being quiet was bad and that being outgoing was good, I felt like I had to change who I was. I finally accepted that I am not much of a talker (at least not until I really get to know someone) and that is a beautiful thing. We wouldn’t get anywhere without having a good mix of talkers and listeners.

2. Think about words that honor who you really are to replace the words that hurt.

I changed being shy to being a great listener because I think it’s a more accurate and loving way to describe who I am. If you’re kind of the opposite of me and people say that you are loud, gently remind them and yourself that a more accurate description would be energetic and passionate.

3. Recognize when you are letting the labels bring you down.

In moments where you feel like you aren’t good enough, ask yourself what is making you feel that way. Where are the limiting beliefs coming from and how can you change the way you see yourself in that situation.

You are so much more than what others say about you. All of us are multifaceted, unique individuals. Let’s love ourselves for all that we are and accept who and what we are not in a loving way. 

Ashley